more conversations within the in. . .

kahn and selesnick said to me the other day they felt that something was about to burst in my work. as if they anticipated the future, things are starting to hint at that. i feel an eruption, yet it is all so uncertain, but it feels seems exciting. and then it all seems related to my decision to go somewhere. physically moving, instead of staying trapped and hiding within objects, feelings, and things. to not be afraid of moving. not be afraid of exposing myself, of embarassing myself.

talking to myself.

i know it, i'm almost there, almost done with this brief intermittance of a thought.

i feel strong right now. as saul williams (the granola hippie!) said, asserting my vulnerability makes me strong. as silly as that sounds, it is true for me. i'm not afraid of it right now.

where am i? its the movement of all confusions that take me down and bring me up again.

i am looking for the medium or the median? where do i balance? where to go? pull back or forge on ahead? it is both and all and less and more and none at the same time.

to go to. to be covered up. or hidden. or both. to burst out. to be forgotten, but not by myself. to find out.

to go in circles one way. come back another. then round and round again some more.

to go back to years ago.
where am i?
is it now? or before?
where am i?
is it here? or there?
where is this?

more later

an inspirational performance tonight by the books. i need more music, more sounds, more performance. yes. its one of those experiences where i just feel deliriously happy and like i could almost just die right then. live instruments and electronics is the best combination from my viewpoint. yes.

okay, sooo, i have been trying to read this book for awhile- powers of horror by julia kristeva- it was recommended to me by anne-marie, and then i happened to read a little bit of it once somewhere and was quite taken by it- really felt like things she was talking about were very relevant to me, exactly some of the things i think sometimes. but now having been trying to read it for awhile. . . really, i never read philosophy- i know so little, so i have a super hard time with it. in alot of ways in reading it i sort of just have a gut feeling like i understand it, almost like sound. but then i can't explain it. so i keep going back and re-reading. . .lots of re-reading but i don't get very far. but i am determined to.

other things- getting people to communicate with me, open up is good right now. a few different cases of that and all are good. rick and me making noises is good. weather is sort of good, already getting to sweaty for me though. water is good. being alone in the house right now is good. i'm getting super into music again- both listening and playing is good. artwork in my studio is not so good but i hope to make it again good. copying off of rick is good. making plans to travel is good. music is the best good.


looking at old photos is good.
for some reason won't upload now i'll try again later.